The Engagement Surprise

As everyone that is acquainted with me knows, I officially agreed to marry an amazing man this week. He worked incredibly hard to surprise me in addition to giving me a ring that he designed himself. I feel so honored that he chose me and I get to spend the rest of my life with this man. Yet I was surprised about the other feelings that came with the event. This dark overwhelming shadow descended upon me almost immediately. I became completely overwhelmed, crying for no reason and unable to talk about wedding plans. There was this part of me that was initially ashamed to admit to these seemingly unacceptable feelings that were accompanying a joyful moment in my life. Regardless when you're crying randomly for no reason its hard to hide the feelings. I've found myself not knowing how to let other people into this joy. It seems so deeply personal to me. At the same time trying not to be numb. Finding that this coping mechanism for intense pain might have accidentally taken over all emotions. I state all of this to claim the following. When in the presence of God these things are but small nuisances. They are nothing but small matters that He obliterates in seconds. If one has not experienced it one would probably say, "That's too easy. Don't you have to do something? A ritual, exercise, something?" Nope just sit in his presence.

Action Comes Before the Feeling

At lunch today I was talking to a friend that is going through the same type of situation as I typed of in my last post. He was able to put words to what I had been feeling the last couple of days. When God gives us a command it's not about our feelings. Him allowing us to carry out a task for him is not really about whether we feel like it or not. Its about doing the task. Regardless of how I feel, I walk through this motion. This is what I experienced this week. I smiled, kept my comments to myself, did all the 'right' things on the outside while seething on the inside. Every piece of my will and heart wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. Tell the world of all the hurts I had suffered and am still incurring. Announce to the people what an innocent victim I am. Though I can go through the motions I can't change myself. That is God's part in this. Therefore all I can do is go through the motions. Yet I can do the motions with great faith, relying on the promise that God will do the restoration of my feelings and attitudes.

Too Good to Be True

So there was this one situation. This situation that has just always been. For awhile I tried to fix it and I had real hope it would change. That is when I learned you can't make people's decisions for them, especially when it involves dealing with deep hurts. Then I spent some time being fighting mad about it. When I say some time I mean years. Then I just gave up. I resigned to just deal with the hand I had been dealt. All hope of change was forfeited to the entity I held responsible for the mess. I did the best I could to shut myself off from everything that even came close to said mess. All through this time I prayed that God would make a change. First I prayed with fervent hope. As the years progressed I prayed less. It seemed as if I was trying to hold water in my hands and I over and over saw it run between my fingers on to the floor.

Last weekend out of the blue God started speaking to me about this situation. He convicted me pretty significantly in regards to my wrong within the situation. Then he told me the next step, what I needed to do. Honestly I was/am still terrified. I have no idea how I'll pull it off, but I have to believe that if he has asked me to do it he will provide the wheelbarrow full of grace I need to do the task.

Then this week he gave me more. He reminded me of my old dream. The dream I started with. The hope that this situation could change. People would be healed, really feel loved, be transformed. I was given a gentle reminder of how I had given my hope away and a promise. A promise that he's not asking me to do this task for nothing. On the other side of this task is a transformation for all involved.

Still I am holding my breath, knowing that God is so faithful and true to his word all the time. I have piles of evidence. Yet not fully believing that I am the girl for the task nor that it will make a difference. As I write, these scriptures run through my head. "I can do all things through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:13 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 I have to believe that he will do what he says before he does it. That is faith.

Why is just showing up so difficult?  Its the most simple request and yet it is so hard to follow through on.  We want to feel useful and when its not happening we want to make it happen.

Showing Off a Little

So as noted in an earlier post I was commissioned to created some t-shirts for my friends Emily and Anthony to wear out of the reception.  So here they are the Just Married t-shirts.  The words are on the back of the shirts so everyone could see them as they walked out the reception.  Pretty amusing if you ask me!

This is another something I made for my friend's baby.  It was her idea, I just executed the project.  I tried to tell her she could do it herself, but she was having none of it.  Oh well that means more fun for me!  I realize the picture is small and a little hard to see.  If you get really close to your computer screen you might see that the background is not a spiderweb at all but a painting of a map of the arctic circle.  The the writing says, "Malachi messenger of God" and 2 Timothy 1:7.

Patient Endurance

That's what its about right now.  I'm holding out and hoping for my dreams, the ones God has promised me.

Ok God

It seems as if God is telling me to take it day by day. Instead of worrying about tomorrow or the next 5 years it appears he is telling me to just let him provide for today.  The tomorrow he will get to tomorrow.  See I was all about praying for the impossible.  I'm not saying you shouldn't pray  for the impossible, but sometimes as a wise friend said, "Maybe you should pray for the possible."  So I started doing just that.  Through that it seemed as if God was whispering to me, "Look, I'm even going to take care of this little thing, so don't worry about the big stuff."  Hmmm...I think there's something in the Bible about this...somewhere in Matthew.  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?"  So will I keep praying for the impossible?  Of course!  I'm going to keep praying for an amazing job for my man and for an enormous outdoor party for my wedding where I can invite everyone I want.  Yet I'm also going to pray for the possible like $100.oo for a phone bill when there is only $14 in the account, a ride to the grocery store, or a place to do laundry when I've given all my quarters away.  Why?  Because I serve a God that wants to do both the possible and the impossible.

Waiting in Weirdness

I feel like I'm in a very strange place right now.  These are the facts:

• God is faithful.
• He has a solid history of coming through for me.
• He has insisted I ask for more than I think is possible or even necessary.
• I really believe I am pursuing what he wants me to pursue.
• Places he's made promises it seems as if he's not only not coming through, but actually withdrawing.
• But my God is good and faithful.

So I'm kind of just waiting.  Trying really hard not be frustrated because I know that God, my God whom I am in deep relationship has yet to let me down.  Yet he's not working on a time frame or in a way I understand.  This is challenging...

Do You Trust Me?

So I was praying for a friend tonight and her main concern was about really trusting God.  I feel like God is asking me just that question about my money right now.  He's asking, "Do you trust me?"  See he started working this thing about money in me right after Christmas and its been scary at times, but really good.  He took me through a process of letting go and being more generous.  It is ultimately what led me to sell my car and move to the apartment I did.  Its been great fun giving money away and being generous with people.  Now the likelihood of a huge financial commitment has come up recently and left me wondering, "Do I trust him?"  I haven't been purposely saving as aggressively as I had been before Christmas and yet I have more money than I ever have and I feel like that is proof alone that I am approaching my finances the way I need to be.  Yet I feel this voice in my head saying, "If you don't start saving aggressively for this thing you'll be sorry."  Will I?  Don't I have a God that cares enough about me to have intervened so many times to get me to this place?  Will he not take care of this?  Do I trust him?

Don't Forget Its a Battle

That's what I did.  I forgot that I am in a battle in a war that's been won.  Satan doesn't want us to be awesome for God.  He'll do whatever it takes to keep us from it whether it be shame, guilt, lies that we can't do it, whatever.  I started to forget how God saw me, started to rely on my own goodness.  That never gets me far.  But alas I have a very faithful God that shows up with the truth every time.  What can I say? I serve an amazing God. 

God Friends

Sometimes I just need my friends to remind me the truth about the God I serve.

Frustration

Feeling very frustrated.  Feeling like every time I take a step forward I take two steps backwards immediately.  Wanting to be better than I am.  Feeling like I'm losing focus.  Not knowing how to navigate my relationship with God right now.

What I Learned Today

I realized today that in any city in any part of the world you can find 'your neighborhood.' The neighborhood that you would probably be most comfortable in if you lived there. The one you would probably live in. I found that neighborhood in Stockholm today. You walk around it and you just feel like you could live there, make a home. I love the idea that a home is about the community not necessarily the place. You can feel at home at any place in the world if you have a good community, great people, a good place to live or at least sleep at night. I understand now that this stuff means so much more to me than location. Why I am so content in where I am now is because of the people I have. I do love the location too, but the people are what make it. Home is about the people not necessarily the surroundings.

Half Way Thoughts

I am at the 1/2 way point of my trip today and am reflecting a bit on my trip so far. It has been good...very good. I love staying with people that live here because I get to experience a bit more of Swedish culture than if I was staying at a hotel in downtown Stockholm. Went to a party last night and got to talk to some Swedish people which was interesting. After the glassworks I educated myself on the Swedish postal system at the Post Museum and learned Swedish history on the island of Skansen. The thing I am realizing is that traveling alone has its positives. You get to do whatever you want whenever you want. Yet I think that I have discovered that I enjoy traveling with others more. I'm glad I did this by myself. It is something I needed to do. Part of it was proving to myself that I don't need someone else to navigate a city for me. Yet you don't get to share the sights with someone else when you are alone. There is no one to titter at the funny little things you see with. My conclusion...travelling is better with someone you really like to be with.

The Adventure Continues..

We drove south to Koska, the "Kingdom of Glass" yesterday. It was fantastic watching the artisans blowing the hot glass into pitchers and plates. Absolutely fascinating!! The best part, though, was getting to blow my own glass item. They didn't let me handle the large iron rod with very hot melted glass on the end, but I did get to shape it with wet newspaper and a wooden block as well as blow it into shape. Then at the end I got to form the top and pull a spout out of the melted glass. It was a great process and left me wanting to do more. Maybe an internship at Kosta Bota in Sweden next summer?

Stockholm!

Indeed I am in Sweden just outside of Stockholm. I have settled in and had some very good talks with my friend that I am visiting which has been great. She has an American phone line and we talk often when I am home, but in person is so much better than phone. I've had ficka, which is like Swedish tea time, but with coffee. The coffee is so wonderful and strong. I love it!!! I've met some Swedes which has been good. I try not to ask them a million questions, but I secretly want to. :) The weather is great, temperature perfect ( though the Swedes have told me its too cold) and massive amounts of sunshine.

I made my first solo expedition into Stockholm today. I had been down yesterday with my friend, but today I had to navigate the train system that is in a language I am completely unfamiliar with alone. This resulted in my thankfulness that I have lived in Chicago. I can't imagaine having to navigate a foreign train system without the basic understanding of public transportation. For example knowing that the train will display the name of the last stop on the line. Alas I spent the day wandering around Gamla Stan which I think is Swedish for Old Town. On this island, Stockholm consists of a number of islands connected by bridges, is the Royal Palace, a variety of sounvenir shops, and the Nobel Museum. I honestly just spent a lot of time aimlessly wandering and seeing whatever I saw. Wanted to go to the Post Museum, but I didn't plan my time well so another day. After all I do have many more. Glassworks and camping tomorrow!!

Two in One Day...Can You Believe It?!?!?!?!

I've been at this conference in Canada since Wednesday and we keep singing this song that just amazes me every time.  I don't know if this is a result of where I am with God right now or that these lyrics are so beautiful.  I suppose it is both.  So enough of my chatter here they are.  I have only included the first two verses and one chorus because those are the parts that really got me.

How He Loves

John Mark McMillan

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, 
When I think about, the way…

The Cheesy T-Shirt Company

So I think I could start a cheesy t-shirt company.  I've taken to sewing felt onto t-shirts and this picture is of my first creation.  If you're confused Kucejko is their last name.  See if you can catch the pattern. ;) Next project Just and Married t-shirts for my roommate and her soon to be husband by request.

Selling a Little Piece of My Soul

My desire to be connected to friends far away has finally prevailed over my moral opposition to facebook.  I have joined and will be hearing about it for awhile from, well all of my friends seeing as they are all on facebook.  I can't help feeling like I've sold out a bit though.  Its just that I don't understand the point.  I don't really want the whole world to know all about my favorite books, movies, and music.  There was a time when I was all about that kind of stuff, but for whatever reason its seems really invasive for me.  Maybe its a control thing.  More accurately it is a merit thing for me.  I feel like in a friendship you make an effort to find these things out about people, to really connect with them.  On facebook it just seems so artificial.  It creates this idea that we know and are connected to people when really its just a set of facts, not shared life.  These are my purist ponderings.  I realize that it is not that simple or that easy and clearly facebook has filled a place and purpose in our lives.  Please take this with a grain of salt.

For the First Time in Awhile

I can't articulate the feelings, thoughts, emotions I am experiencing. Actually it is really silly for me to be blogging about this because I don't actually know what to say. There are all these thoughts going through my head some good, some irrational, some practical, just lots of thoughts swimming around. It seems like possibly my entire life is changing. There are a number of things that are happening that are causing me to re-think everything I'm doing. If nothing else though it is pushing me more towards God. Never have I been so thankful for last summer and the time I spent digging in with God really starting to get to know him. Now I have this friend that I can sit around and chat with about these things and even though it seems like a lot, having God involved really seems to be taking the edge off.

A God That Loves Slackers Too

It occurred to me yesterday that God loves slackers too.  I discovered this because not surprising to anyone reading this I have a history of being a classic slacker.  Actually my history is similar to a roller coaster.  I start with high hopes and great intentions of being an over achiever and then realize it is just too much work and get over it.  This cycle has been somewhat limiting for me, but that is another post for another time.  Back to the original subject.  My church did this 40 days of faith series where everyone prays for one specific thing over the 40 days.  I started praying to go abroad and did well for awhile, but then other things came up to pray about that seemed to supersede praying for travel.  So I became a bit of a 40 days of faith dropout.  Yet I am still getting to leave the country not once but twice this summer!!!  I was talking to a friend about this and I said, "God is encouraging my slacking."  This pretty wise friend promptly corrected me and responded with something to the effect of, "Its not that He wants to encourage your slacking, but that He likes to do things for us despite what we do."  I love that reasoning.  I get to participate in the process, but it is not dependent on me.  That seems to be the common theme these days.  What God does is not dependent on what I do, but he asks me to be part of the process.  We get to have a say.  We get to be persistent and heard by God even though he can do whatever he wants.

Its Been Awhile

But I have good reason.  Life has been very busy.  I am definitely going to Sweden, bought the tickets today.  Woo hoo!  Trying to finish school.  Led a 4th and 5th grade retreat for the kids at church.  It was amazing.  Our kids are great!!!!  But even better its great to see them getting to know God and really diving in.  It was also a great opportunity to just pour into and encourage the kids.  Though I was really tired and exhausted when I look at the whole picture it was incredible and well worth it.  On another note I have started dating a man I can only describe as fantastic.  It has been so fun and refreshing so far.  I could gush for awhile, but somehow it all just seems to personal to put on my blog.  I will say one thing though.  For the first time in my life I don't feel like I have to choose.  In the past I've always felt I had to choose between God or the guy.  This being why nothing every moved into any semblance of a normal relationship.  I always ended up choosing God.  This time I don't have to.  I GET BOTH!!!!!!!!  Have I mentioned I serve an incredibly generous God?!?!?

To Go!!!!

To Sweden I go!  The plan right now is to go.  There is no flashing red light saying stay and I feel like I've been over thinking it as I usually tend to do with things.  So I am going as long as my friends say its ok to stay with them. :)  I can't wait!!!  I love leaving the country and traveling and just seeing and experiencing things that are unfamiliar and new.  So excited!!!!  This is going to be a great summer.  Travel...moving...no work...love it.  By the way can't get the smile off my face today....can't stop smiling....still smiling.... Maybe more substance next time but not today. :) :)

Sweden...to go or not to go....

Feeling very frustrated.  I'm really wanting to go to Sweden in July, but having a very hard time finding reasonable airfare.  I guess I'm struggling more with knowing if I have release to go.  I know it sounds funny, but I kind of feel like God has 'grounded' me for the last 5ish years or so.  It has been kind of a, "Hey, why don't you stay in the country for a bit and get to know me.  Work some stuff out."  Every time I have tried to leave the country it just has felt so wrong which has been kind of tough, but OK.  I have this deep longing to travel and see the world, to even live other places.  I am starting to ache for it.  So the question I come back to is do I hold out for cheap airfare or splurge and go ahead?  But really the bigger pondering is will it be with God?  See I had kind of thought the next time I go overseas and every time after would be with God.  Ok not necessarily for missionary work, but with a feeling that it was time to go.  Then I say to myself, "Am I putting something on God that is not actually him?"  Revolutionary thought.  I'll go some place quiet and ask him.   Why does it always take me so long to come to this glaringly obvious conclusion?  Short term memory.

The Best Friends Possible

Yes I have them...seriously this has been one of my best birthdays ever.  There have been mystery flowers delivered to my school.  Of course all of my students immediately decided that I had a secret admirer.  Never mind the card read "from your favorite people."  One of my students is convinced that they were from my husband that she swears I'm going to meet by the river or lake or some other random body of water in I believe California.  Don't ask.  They are very creative kids.  When I find out who all of the mystery flower folks are I will thank you rightfully.  There was specially decorated birthday coffee.  A card with a surprise gift card waiting for me when I got home.  Then I got this amazing e-mail from one of my favorite babies in the whole world.  Ok his mom wrote the e-mail and probably made the sign, but isn't he doing a great job of holding it down?  Really if you could see this baby he is one of the cutest and I'm not just saying that because I think his parents are great.  I'm thinking he could win one of those cutest baby contests.  If you're reading this and wondering why I'm not gushing about your super cute genius baby its because I have no pictures of him in the awesome t-shirt I made him yet. ;)  (That was for you Melissa.  Seriously though take your time I know you've got a lot going on.)  Back to the point at hand my friends have just made this a great birthday and I still have more to go.  So thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!!!!  

Old Verses, New Revelation

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. 

Anybody remember that good old song, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness...."  I sang it a million times as a child and yet this was the verse that hit me square between the eyes this week.  A friend mentioned it in passing and it just floored me.  It was as if I had never heard the verse before.  Friends, you have to hear what this verse is saying.  Jesus is saying that this whole Christianity is REALLY EASY.  Yes you heard it here first!!  All those expectations, rules, works, and other random religious doings ARE NOT REQUESTED BY JESUS.  He just says SEEK THE KINGDOM OF GOD and then he says if you do ALL THESE WILL BE ADDED.  Did you hear that HE WILL TAKE CARE OF THE REST.  Love it! Love it!

Going to Tennessee this weekend.  Stay tuned for an excellent picture of the excellent t-shirts I made for my friends.

Sickness oh Sickness

Not much new here....I got rather sick....ok pretty sick.  It is hard for me to be sick.  I feel like I'm missing out on the whole world when I'm sick.  So really the world spins on and I am not that seriously missed, but I have always been the kid that never wanted to miss out on anything.  I rarely missed a day of school growing up for that purpose.  What would I miss if I dared to stay one day at home?  Would I miss the most important math problem ever taught in the 4th grade?  Would I miss the tragic breakup of Robin and Chad for the fourth time in 8th grade?  Would I miss my friends doing the most outrageously fun spontaneous activity after school just because they could my junior year of high school?  I seriously dislike missing things.  What does this say about me?  Hmmm.....

The Week to End All Weeks

My apartment misses me.  I sleep, I bath, I leave and then repeat.  This has been by far possibly the busiest week of 2008 to date and amazingly I can say God has fully sustained me.  I do not feel the exhaustion I rightfully should.  Woo hoo!  Though I can't say that God hasn't been putting me through the paces too.  I was talking to a friend the other night and I feel like she put it the best.  He's got me doing some things that there is just no road map for.  Which in a way is really great because it forces me to absolutely cling to him.  To constantly look towards him and ask, "Left, right, up, or down?"  Though its been new and foreign I can't say it hasn't been great.  Doing all of life with God just has no comparison to anything else I've ever experienced.  Its fun and adventurous.  The best part is I get to be fearless.  You never realize how fearful you really are until someone asks you to drop it at the door.

Who is this God I serve?

This God I serve is alive and amazing and has far exceeded all expectations I have put on him! This weekend there was a definite exchange.  God took some garbage out and filled it with fire, seriously Holy Spirit fire.  I have never experienced anything like it and absolutely nothing better.  I feel like I should type more, but there just aren't words to describe.  People are feeling the love of God and getting healed.  What more can I say?  This is a God I will give my life for.  This awesome God.

The Solution

I know my many millions ;) of readers will be shocked by this, but the solution to my particular restlessness...drumroll please......time with God!  Woo hoo!  Once again he is so excellent.  In case you were unsure "unfailing love surrounds those that trust God." Woo hoo!

Restless...

That's what I am.  I rarely get restless over breaks and am so thankful to have the conference for the rest of the week to distract me.  Its not necessarily a restlessness because I don't have anything to do.  It more of a restlessness of my mind.  I keep thinking about this one subject.  On a normal day I have 20 some fourth graders vying for my attention and am far too distracted to fixate on it, but the last three days I have been doing less mental work and much more work with my hands, baking, sewing, creating art, which is usually a very good thing that slows my mind down.  Yet over the last three days even my conversations with God have always ended up in this place.  So I am restless, in desperate need of mind distraction.

Let not the longing slay your appetite for living.

Elizabeth or Jim Elliot said that, not really sure which one.  That is so much easier said than actually accomplished.  Believing  that something is going to happen, but feeling like you must just wait is hard.  I desperately want to push the issue and just make it happen.  After all that is typically how I approach life.  Get an idea, think briefly, do it.  And yet God says, "Wait and I will give it to you in a better way than you could ever accomplish on your own."  It will be magnificent.  Everything God has ever done for me has been.  Its just the waiting....grrrrrrr!

Re-Calibration

cal·i·brate

to plan or devise (something) carefully so as to have a precise use, application, appeal, etc.: a sales strategy calibrated to rich investors.

So I'm not sure that how I approach this word is exactly correct, but regardless it is the word that keeps popping in my hear over and over.  Whenever I go home I feel like I have to go through a re-calibrating when I return to Chicago.  Let me rephrase that.  It is more like I have to allow God to re-calibrate me because it actually has little to do with what I do.  When I return I have to hear all over from God that he has carefully planned and develop me for his highly specialized purpose.  Though this weekend had its rougher moments the great change was He was re-calibrating me as the weekend was happening.  It was almost as if becuase I didn't completely shut him out while I was shutting everything else out He was allowed to do a more permanent calibration.  See I talked him when I was there.  Usually I don't.  Usually I am so deep in survival mode I don't really talk to anyone including God.  The difference is I talk to God all throughout my day and that is a lot harder to shut off.  So I didn't and it helped.  

Can't Wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One school day until spring break. Woo hoo!!!

Computers, God, and iPod

Well I'm ridiculously excited to be blogging again.  Its been a couple of years and I've missed it.  So I have officially become one of those Apple people and I'm loving it.  I am so thankful that I have the means right now to save and make such a purchase, but I still feel like there is so much work that needs to be done on me in regards to money.  I just can't seem to get a balanced stance on the issue.  There has been either one extreme or the other.  So alas God has started to push on those buttons in me and we will see what happens.  Speaking of God, I was made aware today of another reason God is so amazing.  He never changes his opinion about you.  So no matter what is going on in regards to your human relationships every single time we go to God he says the same thing.  I love you.  I'm crazy about you.  I can't get enough of you.  You are mine.  That never ever changes and that changes your whole life.  EVERYTHING.