Action Comes Before the Feeling

At lunch today I was talking to a friend that is going through the same type of situation as I typed of in my last post. He was able to put words to what I had been feeling the last couple of days. When God gives us a command it's not about our feelings. Him allowing us to carry out a task for him is not really about whether we feel like it or not. Its about doing the task. Regardless of how I feel, I walk through this motion. This is what I experienced this week. I smiled, kept my comments to myself, did all the 'right' things on the outside while seething on the inside. Every piece of my will and heart wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. Tell the world of all the hurts I had suffered and am still incurring. Announce to the people what an innocent victim I am. Though I can go through the motions I can't change myself. That is God's part in this. Therefore all I can do is go through the motions. Yet I can do the motions with great faith, relying on the promise that God will do the restoration of my feelings and attitudes.

Too Good to Be True

So there was this one situation. This situation that has just always been. For awhile I tried to fix it and I had real hope it would change. That is when I learned you can't make people's decisions for them, especially when it involves dealing with deep hurts. Then I spent some time being fighting mad about it. When I say some time I mean years. Then I just gave up. I resigned to just deal with the hand I had been dealt. All hope of change was forfeited to the entity I held responsible for the mess. I did the best I could to shut myself off from everything that even came close to said mess. All through this time I prayed that God would make a change. First I prayed with fervent hope. As the years progressed I prayed less. It seemed as if I was trying to hold water in my hands and I over and over saw it run between my fingers on to the floor.

Last weekend out of the blue God started speaking to me about this situation. He convicted me pretty significantly in regards to my wrong within the situation. Then he told me the next step, what I needed to do. Honestly I was/am still terrified. I have no idea how I'll pull it off, but I have to believe that if he has asked me to do it he will provide the wheelbarrow full of grace I need to do the task.

Then this week he gave me more. He reminded me of my old dream. The dream I started with. The hope that this situation could change. People would be healed, really feel loved, be transformed. I was given a gentle reminder of how I had given my hope away and a promise. A promise that he's not asking me to do this task for nothing. On the other side of this task is a transformation for all involved.

Still I am holding my breath, knowing that God is so faithful and true to his word all the time. I have piles of evidence. Yet not fully believing that I am the girl for the task nor that it will make a difference. As I write, these scriptures run through my head. "I can do all things through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:13 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 I have to believe that he will do what he says before he does it. That is faith.