Mourning

I've finished packing up my apartment and I find myself mourning. This move feels like the end of my single life, all that I have known as an adult. There are many parts about it that I have really loved and treasured, with the exception of the miniblinds I'm always breaking. Though I'm so excited about this new life I'm starting with this man, tonight it seems fit to mourn. Even when we move from something that is good to something that is also good we have to mourn the loss of the previous good thing. So tonight I will mourn the loss of the old thing so that I can move into the next part with great joy.

Blogging When I Should Be Sleeping

God will just not let me settle about anything in this wedding. He used a woman who is by most standards not a Christian to speak absolute truth into my life. My Father has been so lavish and extravagant with me through this entire process. At every turn he has provided for me, not just enough, not just the bare minimum but extravagantly more than I could have ever imagined. Let's make a list.

1. A man that is so right for me God even allowed him to be my favorite color (orange).
2. More money than I ever could have imagined saved by my amazing mom.
3. The reception site that I never thought I could afford and what appears to be favor with the employees.
4. Incredibly unique, visually interesting, and high quality handmade invitations that I never could have afforded.
5. Amazing friends and family that are so eager and willing to step in and help at a moments notice.
6. An apartment that far surpasses my expectations. Huge kitchen (in Chicago!), a private back porch, and a garden!!
7. A new and improved relationship with my family.
   
8. A dress designed and made especially for me.

WOW!

Part 2

I was looking at my posts from November 23rd and 30th. They were the part 1 of what I've been starting to experience and just received another major piece to yesterday. God had started some restoration in the area I referenced right before and during the fast, but yesterday when I went back to the workshop he gave me another big chunk which explains a good deal of why I was such an emotional mess about this subject. He birthed in me yesterday a calling to not just children, but to families. Most people would say no big deal. Yet, after I got that from him I cried, then cried some more, and then cried some more. Something about this calling is connected and tapping into something so deep inside me that I don't think I even realized it was there buried under all the layers of other stuff. The other half of that is realizing there is still some healing God's trying to take care of connected to that. The scary part of this next healing process is that it looks like its going to involve other people. That's scary for me. I can't control how other people react to me. I know one thing, though. God protects his people wherever he takes them.

I Don't Want To!

So I went to this workshop thing tonight and I don't want to go back, but I have to. They're making us map out our lives and dig into our pain and so on and so on. Forgive my flippancy its a defense mechanism. I don't want to do that!!!! Many people would say well then just don't go back. I can't do that. God has made it very clear to me that he is going to start digging again. He even gave me a great picture/vision/whatever you want to call it. I'm walking down these hallways back and forth, back and forth until I come to a spiral staircase of which I can't see the bottom. At one point I slip on the staircase and this man that seemed clearly to be God or Jesus or the Spirit (good thing they're triune) grabs me by the arm and lifts me up and continues to support me down the staircase until I get to the bottom which ends in a pool. Once I hit the pool he lets me go and I swim on. When I asked him about it I was told he's moving me to a place of less resistance. That's amazing, but I am struggling with the process I have to go through to get there. I did all this a couple of years ago. I'm not relishing digging more becuase now I'm hitting an unseen layer. The stuff I dealt with before was all on top in clear view. I knew what was coming. This time its all a suprise. It also doesn't help that I'm fasting and my emotions are pretty raw. Well, actually maybe that will help. One less layer to get past. I'm going back tomorrow and counting on the fact that my God is good. Every time in the past I've had to walk through this stuff he always lifts me out of my pain and frees me more. So here goes.....

I Love Fasting!

That's right! The girl who loves to eat really does love fasting. Its hard. I make no claims to the contrary. Yet the things it opens up are completely worth it. Since I have been fasting a joy and excitement about my wedding has been released that I haven't experienced in the entire 5 months I've been engaged. We do not have any more money than we had before, but God has graciously lifted the anxiety and assured me he will provide. Things with my family are better than, well, ever. I went home and actually enjoyed myself. That's right I had fun. This weekend the Holy Spirit just poured out on our 4th and 5th graders and it was phenomenal. I can't explain how much joy there has been in not eating. It seems odd to me that those two things would go hand in hand, but they have during this time and I'm so excited to see what God does during the second half of my fast.

Answers

For a long time I've been yearning and praying for wiser, more experienced people that would honestly and frankly speak into my life. That was something that A. and I started praying for pretty early into our relationship. I feel so blessed to see that coming to fruition. God has just placed those people in our lives. On the flip side he is growing me in how I view those relationships. That I would not use them to replace my parents, but that they would be an addition to my parents. In effect I can hear my own parents more clearly and take what is valuable instead of throwing it all out as useless. This comes from having other thoughts and opinions to weigh them against from people that are not my peers. I think having these people in my life has actually caused me to listen more attentively to my own parents and glean from them the wisdom they have.

Progress

At school we track the reading progress of our students by giving them bi-weekly or monthly tests. Then we plug the scores into a computer program which in turn creates an easy to read graph. Its simple, the line goes up, down, or stays the same. Then we reassess and decide where to change our instruction in order to make that line go up. Except most of life is not that way. I can't chart my responses to life situations using a test and a computer program. So how do we track it?