I Don't Want To!

So I went to this workshop thing tonight and I don't want to go back, but I have to. They're making us map out our lives and dig into our pain and so on and so on. Forgive my flippancy its a defense mechanism. I don't want to do that!!!! Many people would say well then just don't go back. I can't do that. God has made it very clear to me that he is going to start digging again. He even gave me a great picture/vision/whatever you want to call it. I'm walking down these hallways back and forth, back and forth until I come to a spiral staircase of which I can't see the bottom. At one point I slip on the staircase and this man that seemed clearly to be God or Jesus or the Spirit (good thing they're triune) grabs me by the arm and lifts me up and continues to support me down the staircase until I get to the bottom which ends in a pool. Once I hit the pool he lets me go and I swim on. When I asked him about it I was told he's moving me to a place of less resistance. That's amazing, but I am struggling with the process I have to go through to get there. I did all this a couple of years ago. I'm not relishing digging more becuase now I'm hitting an unseen layer. The stuff I dealt with before was all on top in clear view. I knew what was coming. This time its all a suprise. It also doesn't help that I'm fasting and my emotions are pretty raw. Well, actually maybe that will help. One less layer to get past. I'm going back tomorrow and counting on the fact that my God is good. Every time in the past I've had to walk through this stuff he always lifts me out of my pain and frees me more. So here goes.....

I Love Fasting!

That's right! The girl who loves to eat really does love fasting. Its hard. I make no claims to the contrary. Yet the things it opens up are completely worth it. Since I have been fasting a joy and excitement about my wedding has been released that I haven't experienced in the entire 5 months I've been engaged. We do not have any more money than we had before, but God has graciously lifted the anxiety and assured me he will provide. Things with my family are better than, well, ever. I went home and actually enjoyed myself. That's right I had fun. This weekend the Holy Spirit just poured out on our 4th and 5th graders and it was phenomenal. I can't explain how much joy there has been in not eating. It seems odd to me that those two things would go hand in hand, but they have during this time and I'm so excited to see what God does during the second half of my fast.

Answers

For a long time I've been yearning and praying for wiser, more experienced people that would honestly and frankly speak into my life. That was something that A. and I started praying for pretty early into our relationship. I feel so blessed to see that coming to fruition. God has just placed those people in our lives. On the flip side he is growing me in how I view those relationships. That I would not use them to replace my parents, but that they would be an addition to my parents. In effect I can hear my own parents more clearly and take what is valuable instead of throwing it all out as useless. This comes from having other thoughts and opinions to weigh them against from people that are not my peers. I think having these people in my life has actually caused me to listen more attentively to my own parents and glean from them the wisdom they have.

Progress

At school we track the reading progress of our students by giving them bi-weekly or monthly tests. Then we plug the scores into a computer program which in turn creates an easy to read graph. Its simple, the line goes up, down, or stays the same. Then we reassess and decide where to change our instruction in order to make that line go up. Except most of life is not that way. I can't chart my responses to life situations using a test and a computer program. So how do we track it?

Learning to Fight

In the past when relationships got too hard or too scary I would run away, say, "I don't have time for that." Or I'd hide away into myself pretending there was nothing wrong but shutting myself off piece by piece until there was no relationship to salvage. I've been fighting lately. Learning how to fight without bludgeoning my fighting partner. Learning how to fight as one, but realizing that fighting as one takes a game plan, a strategy if we want to win. Fight by fight we're making it. Yet the most valuable lesson I've learned is running sometimes can't be an option. Sometimes when you have something so wonderful, so right to run would be certain misery. If I ran I'd lose this gift that would be incredibly hard to equal. If I run we lose, both of us. So I'm learning to fight...

Good Things

We've recently gone through this process of pairing down our regular commitments to the bare minimum. This is an attempt to spend our lives doing the things God has specifically laid out for us as opposed to a list of 'good religious' things. It's been nice having more free time, but honestly its harder than I expected. Asking God, "Should I take the free Spanish class my district is offering? Should I start the Vineyard Leadership Institute classes? Should I return to the group of people I'd been spending Thursday nights waiting on God with?" offers another set of unique challenges. The entire idea is very contrary to what I understand. All of the following things are 'good' things. None of them will ruin my life. Quite conversely they will in some way enrich it. Yet if they are pulling me away from spending one on one time with God or not pointing me in the direction that God is taking me that is all they are. They're simply 'good' things. I could do all of these things and have a 'good' life. Its not enough anymore. I want to give my life to something better than good. I want outstanding. I want to be rocked by a God that is so powerful I can't even begin to understand his sovereignty and yet so intimate I weep from his love. As a friend of mine said this week, I want something I can give my life for.

Why Such a Small Life?

If these are the things I believe....

• God is sovereign (having supreme rank, power, or authority)
• God loves me just the way I am. He takes pleasure in me.
• God speaks to me and has spoken a number of words into my life about really big things.
• God is faithful, always providing for my needs and keeping his promises to me.
• God is completely trustworthy.

Why am I living such a fearful small life?