Learning to Fight

In the past when relationships got too hard or too scary I would run away, say, "I don't have time for that." Or I'd hide away into myself pretending there was nothing wrong but shutting myself off piece by piece until there was no relationship to salvage. I've been fighting lately. Learning how to fight without bludgeoning my fighting partner. Learning how to fight as one, but realizing that fighting as one takes a game plan, a strategy if we want to win. Fight by fight we're making it. Yet the most valuable lesson I've learned is running sometimes can't be an option. Sometimes when you have something so wonderful, so right to run would be certain misery. If I ran I'd lose this gift that would be incredibly hard to equal. If I run we lose, both of us. So I'm learning to fight...

Good Things

We've recently gone through this process of pairing down our regular commitments to the bare minimum. This is an attempt to spend our lives doing the things God has specifically laid out for us as opposed to a list of 'good religious' things. It's been nice having more free time, but honestly its harder than I expected. Asking God, "Should I take the free Spanish class my district is offering? Should I start the Vineyard Leadership Institute classes? Should I return to the group of people I'd been spending Thursday nights waiting on God with?" offers another set of unique challenges. The entire idea is very contrary to what I understand. All of the following things are 'good' things. None of them will ruin my life. Quite conversely they will in some way enrich it. Yet if they are pulling me away from spending one on one time with God or not pointing me in the direction that God is taking me that is all they are. They're simply 'good' things. I could do all of these things and have a 'good' life. Its not enough anymore. I want to give my life to something better than good. I want outstanding. I want to be rocked by a God that is so powerful I can't even begin to understand his sovereignty and yet so intimate I weep from his love. As a friend of mine said this week, I want something I can give my life for.

Why Such a Small Life?

If these are the things I believe....

• God is sovereign (having supreme rank, power, or authority)
• God loves me just the way I am. He takes pleasure in me.
• God speaks to me and has spoken a number of words into my life about really big things.
• God is faithful, always providing for my needs and keeping his promises to me.
• God is completely trustworthy.

Why am I living such a fearful small life?

New Years Backwards

I had a calm, but amazing New Years Eve/New Years last night. I'll start from the end as that is the most pertinent information to the readers of this fine blog. The man I am going to marry (I'll call him A. from here on out. Why not? I guess I like the idea of anonymity even though everyone that reads this blog knows him and me. Thanks for humoring me.) and I decided to step out of the Facebook scene. The decision came about for the same reasons I held out joining Facebook in the first place. I spent too much time feeling connected without being connected. We both love people. We want to love people in a tangible way. We desire to know what is going on with our friends because they were just in the neighborhood and decided to stop by. Or we can spend planned and spontaneous dinners with our friends sharing our lives and discussing the really interesting aspects of life. Honestly I'd rather be very deeply connected with a handful of people than to read the status of many people and wonder what that cryptic sentence really meant. I've always ached for genuine connectivity. So I will continue to blog, probably more now that Facebook is not sucking time. My e-mail will always be available and I'll post pictures on flickr. A. and I changed each others passwords to something absurd and then locked them in my fire safety box. It felt really freeing this morning when I only checked my e-mail.

Before we unFacebooked A. and I had an even bigger adventure. After returning from a party with some great people we went to a pedestrian overpass and created some public art. We decided to start small as this was our first attempt, but we were both pretty pleased by the result. This is something that we feel like God is pulling us into as a couple and last night felt like the small beginning of something bigger. This morning when I was walking home from taking pictures I remembered the parable of the mustard seed. It states that the mustard seed is one of the smallest seeds, but grows into a tree. That is what this feels like. A tiny seed that's ready to grow into a tree. We'll see.

If you don't know Chicago has these overpasses over the Eisenhower for bikes and pedestrians. We used ribbon and twisted clothe woven and tied into the chainlink.

The Engagement Surprise

As everyone that is acquainted with me knows, I officially agreed to marry an amazing man this week. He worked incredibly hard to surprise me in addition to giving me a ring that he designed himself. I feel so honored that he chose me and I get to spend the rest of my life with this man. Yet I was surprised about the other feelings that came with the event. This dark overwhelming shadow descended upon me almost immediately. I became completely overwhelmed, crying for no reason and unable to talk about wedding plans. There was this part of me that was initially ashamed to admit to these seemingly unacceptable feelings that were accompanying a joyful moment in my life. Regardless when you're crying randomly for no reason its hard to hide the feelings. I've found myself not knowing how to let other people into this joy. It seems so deeply personal to me. At the same time trying not to be numb. Finding that this coping mechanism for intense pain might have accidentally taken over all emotions. I state all of this to claim the following. When in the presence of God these things are but small nuisances. They are nothing but small matters that He obliterates in seconds. If one has not experienced it one would probably say, "That's too easy. Don't you have to do something? A ritual, exercise, something?" Nope just sit in his presence.

Action Comes Before the Feeling

At lunch today I was talking to a friend that is going through the same type of situation as I typed of in my last post. He was able to put words to what I had been feeling the last couple of days. When God gives us a command it's not about our feelings. Him allowing us to carry out a task for him is not really about whether we feel like it or not. Its about doing the task. Regardless of how I feel, I walk through this motion. This is what I experienced this week. I smiled, kept my comments to myself, did all the 'right' things on the outside while seething on the inside. Every piece of my will and heart wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. Tell the world of all the hurts I had suffered and am still incurring. Announce to the people what an innocent victim I am. Though I can go through the motions I can't change myself. That is God's part in this. Therefore all I can do is go through the motions. Yet I can do the motions with great faith, relying on the promise that God will do the restoration of my feelings and attitudes.

Too Good to Be True

So there was this one situation. This situation that has just always been. For awhile I tried to fix it and I had real hope it would change. That is when I learned you can't make people's decisions for them, especially when it involves dealing with deep hurts. Then I spent some time being fighting mad about it. When I say some time I mean years. Then I just gave up. I resigned to just deal with the hand I had been dealt. All hope of change was forfeited to the entity I held responsible for the mess. I did the best I could to shut myself off from everything that even came close to said mess. All through this time I prayed that God would make a change. First I prayed with fervent hope. As the years progressed I prayed less. It seemed as if I was trying to hold water in my hands and I over and over saw it run between my fingers on to the floor.

Last weekend out of the blue God started speaking to me about this situation. He convicted me pretty significantly in regards to my wrong within the situation. Then he told me the next step, what I needed to do. Honestly I was/am still terrified. I have no idea how I'll pull it off, but I have to believe that if he has asked me to do it he will provide the wheelbarrow full of grace I need to do the task.

Then this week he gave me more. He reminded me of my old dream. The dream I started with. The hope that this situation could change. People would be healed, really feel loved, be transformed. I was given a gentle reminder of how I had given my hope away and a promise. A promise that he's not asking me to do this task for nothing. On the other side of this task is a transformation for all involved.

Still I am holding my breath, knowing that God is so faithful and true to his word all the time. I have piles of evidence. Yet not fully believing that I am the girl for the task nor that it will make a difference. As I write, these scriptures run through my head. "I can do all things through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:13 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 I have to believe that he will do what he says before he does it. That is faith.