Part 2

I was looking at my posts from November 23rd and 30th. They were the part 1 of what I've been starting to experience and just received another major piece to yesterday. God had started some restoration in the area I referenced right before and during the fast, but yesterday when I went back to the workshop he gave me another big chunk which explains a good deal of why I was such an emotional mess about this subject. He birthed in me yesterday a calling to not just children, but to families. Most people would say no big deal. Yet, after I got that from him I cried, then cried some more, and then cried some more. Something about this calling is connected and tapping into something so deep inside me that I don't think I even realized it was there buried under all the layers of other stuff. The other half of that is realizing there is still some healing God's trying to take care of connected to that. The scary part of this next healing process is that it looks like its going to involve other people. That's scary for me. I can't control how other people react to me. I know one thing, though. God protects his people wherever he takes them.

I Don't Want To!

So I went to this workshop thing tonight and I don't want to go back, but I have to. They're making us map out our lives and dig into our pain and so on and so on. Forgive my flippancy its a defense mechanism. I don't want to do that!!!! Many people would say well then just don't go back. I can't do that. God has made it very clear to me that he is going to start digging again. He even gave me a great picture/vision/whatever you want to call it. I'm walking down these hallways back and forth, back and forth until I come to a spiral staircase of which I can't see the bottom. At one point I slip on the staircase and this man that seemed clearly to be God or Jesus or the Spirit (good thing they're triune) grabs me by the arm and lifts me up and continues to support me down the staircase until I get to the bottom which ends in a pool. Once I hit the pool he lets me go and I swim on. When I asked him about it I was told he's moving me to a place of less resistance. That's amazing, but I am struggling with the process I have to go through to get there. I did all this a couple of years ago. I'm not relishing digging more becuase now I'm hitting an unseen layer. The stuff I dealt with before was all on top in clear view. I knew what was coming. This time its all a suprise. It also doesn't help that I'm fasting and my emotions are pretty raw. Well, actually maybe that will help. One less layer to get past. I'm going back tomorrow and counting on the fact that my God is good. Every time in the past I've had to walk through this stuff he always lifts me out of my pain and frees me more. So here goes.....

I Love Fasting!

That's right! The girl who loves to eat really does love fasting. Its hard. I make no claims to the contrary. Yet the things it opens up are completely worth it. Since I have been fasting a joy and excitement about my wedding has been released that I haven't experienced in the entire 5 months I've been engaged. We do not have any more money than we had before, but God has graciously lifted the anxiety and assured me he will provide. Things with my family are better than, well, ever. I went home and actually enjoyed myself. That's right I had fun. This weekend the Holy Spirit just poured out on our 4th and 5th graders and it was phenomenal. I can't explain how much joy there has been in not eating. It seems odd to me that those two things would go hand in hand, but they have during this time and I'm so excited to see what God does during the second half of my fast.