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2009-11-28T22:17:00.002-06:00

This week I spent only my second Thanksgiving in 28 years of life away from my family. This time it was with my new family, the one I gained through marriage. Though my husband's family, now mine too, is amazing it was a significant challenge for me. There is an entire set of expectations and behaviors that a family adheres to that the family doesn't even think about. In fact they are completely unaware of them until an outsider is brought in. I found myself missing my own family and their unspoken expectations much more than I ever expected. Yet a really great thing happened over the four days I was with my new family. They welcomed me with completely open arms. Not only that, but they were completely gracious during all of those awkward getting to know you moments. They were patient with me and it never seemed to occur to them to treat me as an outsider. I left thankful for my new family and more thankful for my own family than I have ever been. On returning home I realized something else. For the four months we've been married we've been working hard to make this apartment our home. Being in it everyday and dreaming about where I want it to be fooled me into thinking we had made little progress. When seen from a distance and returned to with a great deal of anticipation, I realized how much we have made this place home. I love being home.

A New Life and Grace

2009-10-29T18:46:00.002-05:00

A new life has arrived. You would think I'm talking about marriage, but I'm mostly talking about the career change. I love being married. I love coming home to a fantastic man and working out all the things that living in a very intimate relationship entails. Changing professions at the same time was possibly a really good choice and sometimes an agonizingly hard choice. In this time where it feels like my entire identity is shifting its wonderful to have someone who is always right behind me cheering me on. In another sense it feels as if my entire identity is being shifted and shaken. I am no longer the independent single girl, but married. I am responsible to another human being in a way that I have never been. We now have an identity that we are forming together. Now I am functioning in a career that requires me to move and excel in an entirely different skill set than my previous position. I have been projected into a place of leadership that involves boldness and trust in relationship that was not required of me in the public school. Every day, in order to do this job in the way God has called me to it, I must risk. I have to trust people in a way I have never allowed myself to before.

Out of this I have found three things.

When we trust people they come through for us at a much higher rate than they fail us, especially if we are placed in a position where people are rooting for our success.
When we trust people we discover grace. We are able to see each others heart. When we see into someone's heart its nearly impossible to dislike them.
Often we have to walk as the person God has called us to be before we are actually that person in order to really become that person. Like Abraham.... "We call Abraham "father" not because he got God's attention by living like a saint, but because God made something out of Abraham when he was a nobody. Isn't that what we've always read in Scripture, God saying to Abraham, "I set you up as father of many peoples"? Abraham was first named "father" and then became a father because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he would do. And so he was made father of a multitude of peoples. God himself said to him, "You're going to have a big family, Abraham!"
Abraham didn't focus on his own impotence and say, "It's hopeless. This hundred-year-old body could never father a child." Nor did he survey Sarah's decades of infertility and give up. He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. That's why it is said, "Abraham was declared fit before God by trusting God to set him right." But it's not just Abraham; it's also us! The same thing gets said about us when we embrace and believe the One who brought Jesus to life when the conditions were equally hopeless. The sacrificed Jesus made us fit for God, set us right with God." Romans 4:17-25

Mourning

2009-06-26T22:38:00.003-05:00

I've finished packing up my apartment and I find myself mourning. This move feels like the end of my single life, all that I have known as an adult. There are many parts about it that I have really loved and treasured, with the exception of the miniblinds I'm always breaking. Though I'm so excited about this new life I'm starting with this man, tonight it seems fit to mourn. Even when we move from something that is good to something that is also good we have to mourn the loss of the previous good thing. So tonight I will mourn the loss of the old thing so that I can move into the next part with great joy.

Blogging When I Should Be Sleeping

2009-06-19T00:23:00.002-05:00

God will just not let me settle about anything in this wedding. He used a woman who is by most standards not a Christian to speak absolute truth into my life. My Father has been so lavish and extravagant with me through this entire process. At every turn he has provided for me, not just enough, not just the bare minimum but extravagantly more than I could have ever imagined. Let's make a list.

A man that is so right for me God even allowed him to be my favorite color (orange).
More money than I ever could have imagined saved by my amazing mom.
The reception site that I never thought I could afford and what appears to be favor with the employees.
Incredibly unique, visually interesting, and high quality handmade invitations that I never could have afforded.
Amazing friends and family that are so eager and willing to step in and help at a moments notice.
An apartment that far surpasses my expectations. Huge kitchen (in Chicago!), a private back porch, and a garden!!
A new and improved relationship with my family.
A dress designed and made especially for me.

WOW!

Part 2

2009-05-17T08:22:00.002-05:00

I was looking at my posts from November 23rd and 30th. They were the part 1 of what I've been starting to experience and just received another major piece to yesterday. God had started some restoration in the area I referenced right before and during the fast, but yesterday when I went back to the workshop he gave me another big chunk which explains a good deal of why I was such an emotional mess about this subject. He birthed in me yesterday a calling to not just children, but to families. Most people would say no big deal. Yet, after I got that from him I cried, then cried some more, and then cried some more. Something about this calling is connected and tapping into something so deep inside me that I don't think I even realized it was there buried under all the layers of other stuff. The other half of that is realizing there is still some healing God's trying to take care of connected to that. The scary part of this next healing process is that it looks like its going to involve other people. That's scary for me. I can't control how other people react to me. I know one thing, though. God protects his people wherever he takes them.

I Don't Want To!

2009-05-15T22:36:00.002-05:00

So I went to this workshop thing tonight and I don't want to go back, but I have to. They're making us map out our lives and dig into our pain and so on and so on. Forgive my flippancy its a defense mechanism. I don't want to do that!!!! Many people would say well then just don't go back. I can't do that. God has made it very clear to me that he is going to start digging again. He even gave me a great picture/vision/whatever you want to call it. I'm walking down these hallways back and forth, back and forth until I come to a spiral staircase of which I can't see the bottom. At one point I slip on the staircase and this man that seemed clearly to be God or Jesus or the Spirit (good thing they're triune) grabs me by the arm and lifts me up and continues to support me down the staircase until I get to the bottom which ends in a pool. Once I hit the pool he lets me go and I swim on. When I asked him about it I was told he's moving me to a place of less resistance. That's amazing, but I am struggling with the process I have to go through to get there. I did all this a couple of years ago. I'm not relishing digging more becuase now I'm hitting an unseen layer. The stuff I dealt with before was all on top in clear view. I knew what was coming. This time its all a suprise. It also doesn't help that I'm fasting and my emotions are pretty raw. Well, actually maybe that will help. One less layer to get past. I'm going back tomorrow and counting on the fact that my God is good. Every time in the past I've had to walk through this stuff he always lifts me out of my pain and frees me more. So here goes.....

I Love Fasting!

2009-05-04T20:14:00.002-05:00

That's right! The girl who loves to eat really does love fasting. Its hard. I make no claims to the contrary. Yet the things it opens up are completely worth it. Since I have been fasting a joy and excitement about my wedding has been released that I haven't experienced in the entire 5 months I've been engaged. We do not have any more money than we had before, but God has graciously lifted the anxiety and assured me he will provide. Things with my family are better than, well, ever. I went home and actually enjoyed myself. That's right I had fun. This weekend the Holy Spirit just poured out on our 4th and 5th graders and it was phenomenal. I can't explain how much joy there has been in not eating. It seems odd to me that those two things would go hand in hand, but they have during this time and I'm so excited to see what God does during the second half of my fast.

Answers

2009-04-06T19:43:00.002-05:00

For a long time I've been yearning and praying for wiser, more experienced people that would honestly and frankly speak into my life. That was something that A. and I started praying for pretty early into our relationship. I feel so blessed to see that coming to fruition. God has just placed those people in our lives. On the flip side he is growing me in how I view those relationships. That I would not use them to replace my parents, but that they would be an addition to my parents. In effect I can hear my own parents more clearly and take what is valuable instead of throwing it all out as useless. This comes from having other thoughts and opinions to weigh them against from people that are not my peers. I think having these people in my life has actually caused me to listen more attentively to my own parents and glean from them the wisdom they have.

Progress

2009-03-20T17:25:00.002-05:00

At school we track the reading progress of our students by giving them bi-weekly or monthly tests. Then we plug the scores into a computer program which in turn creates an easy to read graph. Its simple, the line goes up, down, or stays the same. Then we reassess and decide where to change our instruction in order to make that line go up. Except most of life is not that way. I can't chart my responses to life situations using a test and a computer program. So how do we track it?

Learning to Fight

2009-02-16T19:48:00.002-06:00

In the past when relationships got too hard or too scary I would run away, say, "I don't have time for that." Or I'd hide away into myself pretending there was nothing wrong but shutting myself off piece by piece until there was no relationship to salvage. I've been fighting lately. Learning how to fight without bludgeoning my fighting partner. Learning how to fight as one, but realizing that fighting as one takes a game plan, a strategy if we want to win. Fight by fight we're making it. Yet the most valuable lesson I've learned is running sometimes can't be an option. Sometimes when you have something so wonderful, so right to run would be certain misery. If I ran I'd lose this gift that would be incredibly hard to equal. If I run we lose, both of us. So I'm learning to fight...

Good Things

2009-01-15T21:11:00.002-06:00

We've recently gone through this process of pairing down our regular commitments to the bare minimum. This is an attempt to spend our lives doing the things God has specifically laid out for us as opposed to a list of 'good religious' things. It's been nice having more free time, but honestly its harder than I expected. Asking God, "Should I take the free Spanish class my district is offering? Should I start the Vineyard Leadership Institute classes? Should I return to the group of people I'd been spending Thursday nights waiting on God with?" offers another set of unique challenges. The entire idea is very contrary to what I understand. All of the following things are 'good' things. None of them will ruin my life. Quite conversely they will in some way enrich it. Yet if they are pulling me away from spending one on one time with God or not pointing me in the direction that God is taking me that is all they are. They're simply 'good' things. I could do all of these things and have a 'good' life. Its not enough anymore. I want to give my life to something better than good. I want outstanding. I want to be rocked by a God that is so powerful I can't even begin to understand his sovereignty and yet so intimate I weep from his love. As a friend of mine said this week, I want something I can give my life for.

Why Such a Small Life?

2009-01-10T12:40:00.003-06:00

If these are the things I believe....

God is sovereign (having supreme rank, power, or authority)
God loves me just the way I am. He takes pleasure in me.
God speaks to me and has spoken a number of words into my life about really big things.
God is faithful, always providing for my needs and keeping his promises to me.
God is completely trustworthy.

Why am I living such a fearful small life?

New Years Backwards

2009-01-01T16:56:00.000-06:00

I had a calm, but amazing New Years Eve/New Years last night. I'll start from the end as that is the most pertinent information to the readers of this fine blog. The man I am going to marry (I'll call him A. from here on out. Why not? I guess I like the idea of anonymity even though everyone that reads this blog knows him and me. Thanks for humoring me.) and I decided to step out of the Facebook scene. The decision came about for the same reasons I held out joining Facebook in the first place. I spent too much time feeling connected without being connected. We both love people. We want to love people in a tangible way. We desire to know what is going on with our friends because they were just in the neighborhood and decided to stop by. Or we can spend planned and spontaneous dinners with our friends sharing our lives and discussing the really interesting aspects of life. Honestly I'd rather be very deeply connected with a handful of people than to read the status of many people and wonder what that cryptic sentence really meant. I've always ached for genuine connectivity. So I will continue to blog, probably more now that Facebook is not sucking time. My e-mail will always be available and I'll post pictures on flickr. A. and I changed each others passwords to something absurd and then locked them in my fire safety box. It felt really freeing this morning when I only checked my e-mail.

Before we unFacebooked A. and I had an even bigger adventure. After returning from a party with some great people we went to a pedestrian overpass and created some public art. We decided to start small as this was our first attempt, but we were both pretty pleased by the result. This is something that we feel like God is pulling us into as a couple and last night felt like the small beginning of something bigger. This morning when I was walking home from taking pictures I remembered the parable of the mustard seed. It states that the mustard seed is one of the smallest seeds, but grows into a tree. That is what this feels like. A tiny seed that's ready to grow into a tree. We'll see.

If you don't know Chicago has these overpasses over the Eisenhower for bikes and pedestrians. We used ribbon and twisted clothe woven and tied into the chainlink.

The Engagement Surprise

2008-12-05T16:23:00.000-06:00

As everyone that is acquainted with me knows, I officially agreed to marry an amazing man this week. He worked incredibly hard to surprise me in addition to giving me a ring that he designed himself. I feel so honored that he chose me and I get to spend the rest of my life with this man. Yet I was surprised about the other feelings that came with the event. This dark overwhelming shadow descended upon me almost immediately. I became completely overwhelmed, crying for no reason and unable to talk about wedding plans. There was this part of me that was initially ashamed to admit to these seemingly unacceptable feelings that were accompanying a joyful moment in my life. Regardless when you're crying randomly for no reason its hard to hide the feelings. I've found myself not knowing how to let other people into this joy. It seems so deeply personal to me. At the same time trying not to be numb. Finding that this coping mechanism for intense pain might have accidentally taken over all emotions. I state all of this to claim the following. When in the presence of God these things are but small nuisances. They are nothing but small matters that He obliterates in seconds. If one has not experienced it one would probably say, "That's too easy. Don't you have to do something? A ritual, exercise, something?" Nope just sit in his presence.

Action Comes Before the Feeling

2008-11-30T14:43:00.000-06:00

At lunch today I was talking to a friend that is going through the same type of situation as I typed of in my last post. He was able to put words to what I had been feeling the last couple of days. When God gives us a command it's not about our feelings. Him allowing us to carry out a task for him is not really about whether we feel like it or not. Its about doing the task. Regardless of how I feel, I walk through this motion. This is what I experienced this week. I smiled, kept my comments to myself, did all the 'right' things on the outside while seething on the inside. Every piece of my will and heart wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. Tell the world of all the hurts I had suffered and am still incurring. Announce to the people what an innocent victim I am. Though I can go through the motions I can't change myself. That is God's part in this. Therefore all I can do is go through the motions. Yet I can do the motions with great faith, relying on the promise that God will do the restoration of my feelings and attitudes.

Too Good to Be True

2008-11-23T16:50:00.000-06:00

So there was this one situation. This situation that has just always been. For awhile I tried to fix it and I had real hope it would change. That is when I learned you can't make people's decisions for them, especially when it involves dealing with deep hurts. Then I spent some time being fighting mad about it. When I say some time I mean years. Then I just gave up. I resigned to just deal with the hand I had been dealt. All hope of change was forfeited to the entity I held responsible for the mess. I did the best I could to shut myself off from everything that even came close to said mess. All through this time I prayed that God would make a change. First I prayed with fervent hope. As the years progressed I prayed less. It seemed as if I was trying to hold water in my hands and I over and over saw it run between my fingers on to the floor.

Last weekend out of the blue God started speaking to me about this situation. He convicted me pretty significantly in regards to my wrong within the situation. Then he told me the next step, what I needed to do. Honestly I was/am still terrified. I have no idea how I'll pull it off, but I have to believe that if he has asked me to do it he will provide the wheelbarrow full of grace I need to do the task.

Then this week he gave me more. He reminded me of my old dream. The dream I started with. The hope that this situation could change. People would be healed, really feel loved, be transformed. I was given a gentle reminder of how I had given my hope away and a promise. A promise that he's not asking me to do this task for nothing. On the other side of this task is a transformation for all involved.

Still I am holding my breath, knowing that God is so faithful and true to his word all the time. I have piles of evidence. Yet not fully believing that I am the girl for the task nor that it will make a difference. As I write, these scriptures run through my head. "I can do all things through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:13 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 I have to believe that he will do what he says before he does it. That is faith.

2008-10-24T17:21:00.000-05:00

Why is just showing up so difficult? Its the most simple request and yet it is so hard to follow through on. We want to feel useful and when its not happening we want to make it happen.

Showing Off a Little

2008-10-13T18:34:00.000-05:00

So as noted in an earlier post I was commissioned to created some t-shirts for my friends Emily and Anthony to wear out of the reception. So here they are the Just Married t-shirts. The words are on the back of the shirts so everyone could see them as they walked out the reception. Pretty amusing if you ask me!

This is another something I made for my friend's baby. It was her idea, I just executed the project. I tried to tell her she could do it herself, but she was having none of it. Oh well that means more fun for me! I realize the picture is small and a little hard to see. If you get really close to your computer screen you might see that the background is not a spiderweb at all but a painting of a map of the arctic circle. The the writing says, "Malachi messenger of God" and 2 Timothy 1:7.

Patient Endurance

2008-10-08T16:30:00.001-05:00

That's what its about right now. I'm holding out and hoping for my dreams, the ones God has promised me.

Ok God

2008-09-17T18:59:00.000-05:00

It seems as if God is telling me to take it day by day. Instead of worrying about tomorrow or the next 5 years it appears he is telling me to just let him provide for today. The tomorrow he will get to tomorrow. See I was all about praying for the impossible. I'm not saying you shouldn't pray for the impossible, but sometimes as a wise friend said, "Maybe you should pray for the possible." So I started doing just that. Through that it seemed as if God was whispering to me, "Look, I'm even going to take care of this little thing, so don't worry about the big stuff." Hmmm...I think there's something in the Bible about this...somewhere in Matthew. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" So will I keep praying for the impossible? Of course! I'm going to keep praying for an amazing job for my man and for an enormous outdoor party for my wedding where I can invite everyone I want. Yet I'm also going to pray for the possible like $100.oo for a phone bill when there is only $14 in the account, a ride to the grocery store, or a place to do laundry when I've given all my quarters away. Why? Because I serve a God that wants to do both the possible and the impossible.

Waiting in Weirdness

2008-09-05T17:24:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm in a very strange place right now. These are the facts:

God is faithful.
He has a solid history of coming through for me.
He has insisted I ask for more than I think is possible or even necessary.
I really believe I am pursuing what he wants me to pursue.
Places he's made promises it seems as if he's not only not coming through, but actually withdrawing.
But my God is good and faithful.

So I'm kind of just waiting. Trying really hard not be frustrated because I know that God, my God whom I am in deep relationship has yet to let me down. Yet he's not working on a time frame or in a way I understand. This is challenging...

Do You Trust Me?

2008-08-17T23:47:00.001-05:00

So I was praying for a friend tonight and her main concern was about really trusting God. I feel like God is asking me just that question about my money right now. He's asking, "Do you trust me?" See he started working this thing about money in me right after Christmas and its been scary at times, but really good. He took me through a process of letting go and being more generous. It is ultimately what led me to sell my car and move to the apartment I did. Its been great fun giving money away and being generous with people. Now the likelihood of a huge financial commitment has come up recently and left me wondering, "Do I trust him?" I haven't been purposely saving as aggressively as I had been before Christmas and yet I have more money than I ever have and I feel like that is proof alone that I am approaching my finances the way I need to be. Yet I feel this voice in my head saying, "If you don't start saving aggressively for this thing you'll be sorry." Will I? Don't I have a God that cares enough about me to have intervened so many times to get me to this place? Will he not take care of this? Do I trust him?

Don't Forget Its a Battle

2008-08-14T00:39:00.000-05:00

That's what I did. I forgot that I am in a battle in a war that's been won. Satan doesn't want us to be awesome for God. He'll do whatever it takes to keep us from it whether it be shame, guilt, lies that we can't do it, whatever. I started to forget how God saw me, started to rely on my own goodness. That never gets me far. But alas I have a very faithful God that shows up with the truth every time. What can I say? I serve an amazing God.

God Friends

2008-08-13T00:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just need my friends to remind me the truth about the God I serve.

Frustration

2008-08-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Feeling very frustrated. Feeling like every time I take a step forward I take two steps backwards immediately. Wanting to be better than I am. Feeling like I'm losing focus. Not knowing how to navigate my relationship with God right now.

What I Learned Today

2008-07-25T12:14:00.000-05:00

I realized today that in any city in any part of the world you can find 'your neighborhood.' The neighborhood that you would probably be most comfortable in if you lived there. The one you would probably live in. I found that neighborhood in Stockholm today. You walk around it and you just feel like you could live there, make a home. I love the idea that a home is about the community not necessarily the place. You can feel at home at any place in the world if you have a good community, great people, a good place to live or at least sleep at night. I understand now that this stuff means so much more to me than location. Why I am so content in where I am now is because of the people I have. I do love the location too, but the people are what make it. Home is about the people not necessarily the surroundings.

Half Way Thoughts

2008-07-21T11:56:00.001-05:00

I am at the 1/2 way point of my trip today and am reflecting a bit on my trip so far. It has been good...very good. I love staying with people that live here because I get to experience a bit more of Swedish culture than if I was staying at a hotel in downtown Stockholm. Went to a party last night and got to talk to some Swedish people which was interesting. After the glassworks I educated myself on the Swedish postal system at the Post Museum and learned Swedish history on the island of Skansen. The thing I am realizing is that traveling alone has its positives. You get to do whatever you want whenever you want. Yet I think that I have discovered that I enjoy traveling with others more. I'm glad I did this by myself. It is something I needed to do. Part of it was proving to myself that I don't need someone else to navigate a city for me. Yet you don't get to share the sights with someone else when you are alone. There is no one to titter at the funny little things you see with. My conclusion...travelling is better with someone you really like to be with.

The Adventure Continues..

2008-07-18T17:21:00.000-05:00

We drove south to Koska, the "Kingdom of Glass" yesterday. It was fantastic watching the artisans blowing the hot glass into pitchers and plates. Absolutely fascinating!! The best part, though, was getting to blow my own glass item. They didn't let me handle the large iron rod with very hot melted glass on the end, but I did get to shape it with wet newspaper and a wooden block as well as blow it into shape. Then at the end I got to form the top and pull a spout out of the melted glass. It was a great process and left me wanting to do more. Maybe an internship at Kosta Bota in Sweden next summer?

Stockholm!

2008-07-16T10:31:00.000-05:00

Indeed I am in Sweden just outside of Stockholm. I have settled in and had some very good talks with my friend that I am visiting which has been great. She has an American phone line and we talk often when I am home, but in person is so much better than phone. I've had ficka, which is like Swedish tea time, but with coffee. The coffee is so wonderful and strong. I love it!!! I've met some Swedes which has been good. I try not to ask them a million questions, but I secretly want to. :) The weather is great, temperature perfect ( though the Swedes have told me its too cold) and massive amounts of sunshine.

I made my first solo expedition into Stockholm today. I had been down yesterday with my friend, but today I had to navigate the train system that is in a language I am completely unfamiliar with alone. This resulted in my thankfulness that I have lived in Chicago. I can't imagaine having to navigate a foreign train system without the basic understanding of public transportation. For example knowing that the train will display the name of the last stop on the line. Alas I spent the day wandering around Gamla Stan which I think is Swedish for Old Town. On this island, Stockholm consists of a number of islands connected by bridges, is the Royal Palace, a variety of sounvenir shops, and the Nobel Museum. I honestly just spent a lot of time aimlessly wandering and seeing whatever I saw. Wanted to go to the Post Museum, but I didn't plan my time well so another day. After all I do have many more. Glassworks and camping tomorrow!!

Two in One Day...Can You Believe It?!?!?!?!

2008-07-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

I've been at this conference in Canada since Wednesday and we keep singing this song that just amazes me every time. I don't know if this is a result of where I am with God right now or that these lyrics are so beautiful. I suppose it is both. So enough of my chatter here they are. I have only included the first two verses and one chorus because those are the parts that really got me.

How He Loves

John Mark McMillan

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

The Cheesy T-Shirt Company

2008-07-04T07:45:00.001-05:00

So I think I could start a cheesy t-shirt company. I've taken to sewing felt onto t-shirts and this picture is of my first creation. If you're confused Kucejko is their last name. See if you can catch the pattern. ;) Next project Just and Married t-shirts for my roommate and her soon to be husband by request.

Selling a Little Piece of My Soul

2008-06-24T15:34:00.000-05:00

My desire to be connected to friends far away has finally prevailed over my moral opposition to facebook. I have joined and will be hearing about it for awhile from, well all of my friends seeing as they are all on facebook. I can't help feeling like I've sold out a bit though. Its just that I don't understand the point. I don't really want the whole world to know all about my favorite books, movies, and music. There was a time when I was all about that kind of stuff, but for whatever reason its seems really invasive for me. Maybe its a control thing. More accurately it is a merit thing for me. I feel like in a friendship you make an effort to find these things out about people, to really connect with them. On facebook it just seems so artificial. It creates this idea that we know and are connected to people when really its just a set of facts, not shared life. These are my purist ponderings. I realize that it is not that simple or that easy and clearly facebook has filled a place and purpose in our lives. Please take this with a grain of salt.

For the First Time in Awhile

2008-06-12T16:28:00.000-05:00

I can't articulate the feelings, thoughts, emotions I am experiencing. Actually it is really silly for me to be blogging about this because I don't actually know what to say. There are all these thoughts going through my head some good, some irrational, some practical, just lots of thoughts swimming around. It seems like possibly my entire life is changing. There are a number of things that are happening that are causing me to re-think everything I'm doing. If nothing else though it is pushing me more towards God. Never have I been so thankful for last summer and the time I spent digging in with God really starting to get to know him. Now I have this friend that I can sit around and chat with about these things and even though it seems like a lot, having God involved really seems to be taking the edge off.

A God That Loves Slackers Too

2008-06-09T13:41:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me yesterday that God loves slackers too. I discovered this because not surprising to anyone reading this I have a history of being a classic slacker. Actually my history is similar to a roller coaster. I start with high hopes and great intentions of being an over achiever and then realize it is just too much work and get over it. This cycle has been somewhat limiting for me, but that is another post for another time. Back to the original subject. My church did this 40 days of faith series where everyone prays for one specific thing over the 40 days. I started praying to go abroad and did well for awhile, but then other things came up to pray about that seemed to supersede praying for travel. So I became a bit of a 40 days of faith dropout. Yet I am still getting to leave the country not once but twice this summer!!! I was talking to a friend about this and I said, "God is encouraging my slacking." This pretty wise friend promptly corrected me and responded with something to the effect of, "Its not that He wants to encourage your slacking, but that He likes to do things for us despite what we do." I love that reasoning. I get to participate in the process, but it is not dependent on me. That seems to be the common theme these days. What God does is not dependent on what I do, but he asks me to be part of the process. We get to have a say. We get to be persistent and heard by God even though he can do whatever he wants.

Its Been Awhile

2008-06-03T15:58:00.000-05:00

But I have good reason. Life has been very busy. I am definitely going to Sweden, bought the tickets today. Woo hoo! Trying to finish school. Led a 4th and 5th grade retreat for the kids at church. It was amazing. Our kids are great!!!! But even better its great to see them getting to know God and really diving in. It was also a great opportunity to just pour into and encourage the kids. Though I was really tired and exhausted when I look at the whole picture it was incredible and well worth it. On another note I have started dating a man I can only describe as fantastic. It has been so fun and refreshing so far. I could gush for awhile, but somehow it all just seems to personal to put on my blog. I will say one thing though. For the first time in my life I don't feel like I have to choose. In the past I've always felt I had to choose between God or the guy. This being why nothing every moved into any semblance of a normal relationship. I always ended up choosing God. This time I don't have to. I GET BOTH!!!!!!!! Have I mentioned I serve an incredibly generous God?!?!?

To Go!!!!

2008-05-20T18:57:00.000-05:00

To Sweden I go! The plan right now is to go. There is no flashing red light saying stay and I feel like I've been over thinking it as I usually tend to do with things. So I am going as long as my friends say its ok to stay with them. :) I can't wait!!! I love leaving the country and traveling and just seeing and experiencing things that are unfamiliar and new. So excited!!!! This is going to be a great summer. Travel...moving...no work...love it. By the way can't get the smile off my face today....can't stop smiling....still smiling.... Maybe more substance next time but not today. :) :)

Sweden...to go or not to go....

2008-05-16T20:58:00.000-05:00

Feeling very frustrated. I'm really wanting to go to Sweden in July, but having a very hard time finding reasonable airfare. I guess I'm struggling more with knowing if I have release to go. I know it sounds funny, but I kind of feel like God has 'grounded' me for the last 5ish years or so. It has been kind of a, "Hey, why don't you stay in the country for a bit and get to know me. Work some stuff out." Every time I have tried to leave the country it just has felt so wrong which has been kind of tough, but OK. I have this deep longing to travel and see the world, to even live other places. I am starting to ache for it. So the question I come back to is do I hold out for cheap airfare or splurge and go ahead? But really the bigger pondering is will it be with God? See I had kind of thought the next time I go overseas and every time after would be with God. Ok not necessarily for missionary work, but with a feeling that it was time to go. Then I say to myself, "Am I putting something on God that is not actually him?" Revolutionary thought. I'll go some place quiet and ask him. Why does it always take me so long to come to this glaringly obvious conclusion? Short term memory.

The Best Friends Possible

2008-05-07T17:51:00.000-05:00

Yes I have them...seriously this has been one of my best birthdays ever. There have been mystery flowers delivered to my school. Of course all of my students immediately decided that I had a secret admirer. Never mind the card read "from your favorite people." One of my students is convinced that they were from my husband that she swears I'm going to meet by the river or lake or some other random body of water in I believe California. Don't ask. They are very creative kids. When I find out who all of the mystery flower folks are I will thank you rightfully. There was specially decorated birthday coffee. A card with a surprise gift card waiting for me when I got home. Then I got this amazing e-mail from one of my favorite babies in the whole world. Ok his mom wrote the e-mail and probably made the sign, but isn't he doing a great job of holding it down? Really if you could see this baby he is one of the cutest and I'm not just saying that because I think his parents are great. I'm thinking he could win one of those cutest baby contests. If you're reading this and wondering why I'm not gushing about your super cute genius baby its because I have no pictures of him in the awesome t-shirt I made him yet. ;) (That was for you Melissa. Seriously though take your time I know you've got a lot going on.) Back to the point at hand my friends have just made this a great birthday and I still have more to go. So thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!!

Old Verses, New Revelation

2008-04-17T19:21:00.000-05:00

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.

Anybody remember that good old song, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness...." I sang it a million times as a child and yet this was the verse that hit me square between the eyes this week. A friend mentioned it in passing and it just floored me. It was as if I had never heard the verse before. Friends, you have to hear what this verse is saying. Jesus is saying that this whole Christianity is REALLY EASY. Yes you heard it here first!! All those expectations, rules, works, and other random religious doings ARE NOT REQUESTED BY JESUS. He just says SEEK THE KINGDOM OF GOD and then he says if you do ALL THESE WILL BE ADDED. Did you hear that HE WILL TAKE CARE OF THE REST. Love it! Love it!

Going to Tennessee this weekend. Stay tuned for an excellent picture of the excellent t-shirts I made for my friends.

Sickness oh Sickness

2008-04-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

Not much new here....I got rather sick....ok pretty sick. It is hard for me to be sick. I feel like I'm missing out on the whole world when I'm sick. So really the world spins on and I am not that seriously missed, but I have always been the kid that never wanted to miss out on anything. I rarely missed a day of school growing up for that purpose. What would I miss if I dared to stay one day at home? Would I miss the most important math problem ever taught in the 4th grade? Would I miss the tragic breakup of Robin and Chad for the fourth time in 8th grade? Would I miss my friends doing the most outrageously fun spontaneous activity after school just because they could my junior year of high school? I seriously dislike missing things. What does this say about me? Hmmm.....

The Week to End All Weeks

2008-04-05T14:01:00.000-05:00

My apartment misses me. I sleep, I bath, I leave and then repeat. This has been by far possibly the busiest week of 2008 to date and amazingly I can say God has fully sustained me. I do not feel the exhaustion I rightfully should. Woo hoo! Though I can't say that God hasn't been putting me through the paces too. I was talking to a friend the other night and I feel like she put it the best. He's got me doing some things that there is just no road map for. Which in a way is really great because it forces me to absolutely cling to him. To constantly look towards him and ask, "Left, right, up, or down?" Though its been new and foreign I can't say it hasn't been great. Doing all of life with God just has no comparison to anything else I've ever experienced. Its fun and adventurous. The best part is I get to be fearless. You never realize how fearful you really are until someone asks you to drop it at the door.

Who is this God I serve?

2008-03-30T20:11:00.000-05:00

This God I serve is alive and amazing and has far exceeded all expectations I have put on him! This weekend there was a definite exchange. God took some garbage out and filled it with fire, seriously Holy Spirit fire. I have never experienced anything like it and absolutely nothing better. I feel like I should type more, but there just aren't words to describe. People are feeling the love of God and getting healed. What more can I say? This is a God I will give my life for. This awesome God.

The Solution

2008-03-27T18:42:00.000-05:00

I know my many millions ;) of readers will be shocked by this, but the solution to my particular restlessness...drumroll please......time with God! Woo hoo! Once again he is so excellent. In case you were unsure "unfailing love surrounds those that trust God." Woo hoo!

Restless...

2008-03-27T10:51:00.000-05:00

That's what I am. I rarely get restless over breaks and am so thankful to have the conference for the rest of the week to distract me. Its not necessarily a restlessness because I don't have anything to do. It more of a restlessness of my mind. I keep thinking about this one subject. On a normal day I have 20 some fourth graders vying for my attention and am far too distracted to fixate on it, but the last three days I have been doing less mental work and much more work with my hands, baking, sewing, creating art, which is usually a very good thing that slows my mind down. Yet over the last three days even my conversations with God have always ended up in this place. So I am restless, in desperate need of mind distraction.

Let not the longing slay your appetite for living.

2008-03-25T12:48:00.000-05:00

Elizabeth or Jim Elliot said that, not really sure which one. That is so much easier said than actually accomplished. Believing that something is going to happen, but feeling like you must just wait is hard. I desperately want to push the issue and just make it happen. After all that is typically how I approach life. Get an idea, think briefly, do it. And yet God says, "Wait and I will give it to you in a better way than you could ever accomplish on your own." It will be magnificent. Everything God has ever done for me has been. Its just the waiting....grrrrrrr!

Re-Calibration

2008-03-24T17:23:00.000-05:00

cal·i·brate

to plan or devise (something) carefully so as to have a precise use, application, appeal, etc.: a sales strategy calibrated to rich investors.

So I'm not sure that how I approach this word is exactly correct, but regardless it is the word that keeps popping in my hear over and over. Whenever I go home I feel like I have to go through a re-calibrating when I return to Chicago. Let me rephrase that. It is more like I have to allow God to re-calibrate me because it actually has little to do with what I do. When I return I have to hear all over from God that he has carefully planned and develop me for his highly specialized purpose. Though this weekend had its rougher moments the great change was He was re-calibrating me as the weekend was happening. It was almost as if becuase I didn't completely shut him out while I was shutting everything else out He was allowed to do a more permanent calibration. See I talked him when I was there. Usually I don't. Usually I am so deep in survival mode I don't really talk to anyone including God. The difference is I talk to God all throughout my day and that is a lot harder to shut off. So I didn't and it helped.

Can't Wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

One school day until spring break. Woo hoo!!!

Computers, God, and iPod

2008-03-16T17:19:00.000-05:00

Well I'm ridiculously excited to be blogging again. Its been a couple of years and I've missed it. So I have officially become one of those Apple people and I'm loving it. I am so thankful that I have the means right now to save and make such a purchase, but I still feel like there is so much work that needs to be done on me in regards to money. I just can't seem to get a balanced stance on the issue. There has been either one extreme or the other. So alas God has started to push on those buttons in me and we will see what happens. Speaking of God, I was made aware today of another reason God is so amazing. He never changes his opinion about you. So no matter what is going on in regards to your human relationships every single time we go to God he says the same thing. I love you. I'm crazy about you. I can't get enough of you. You are mine. That never ever changes and that changes your whole life. EVERYTHING.